Dear Diary. The man lets us into Airbnb apartment. Oh, Christ. It’s one of those apartments where there are whimsical decorations on every surface. About half of the decorations are heart-shaped or star-shaped.

“My wife decorated the apartment,” says the landlord proudly. He’s one of those happy, cheery landlords. I’d be happy too if I was fleecing people €70 a night for this apartment.

Knickknacks are balanced precariously. If there was ever an earthquake then everything would fall and smash on the floor. And I hope there is an earthquake so it can wipe the smile off this prick's face. So long as it's the day after we leave so we don't get charged for breakages.

The landlord gives us the keys. There is a heart-shaped keychain on the keys. What is it with this guy and hearts? Maybe he's a heart surgeon. Or maybe he just bought all his belongings the day after Valentine’s Day when all Valentine’s Day things were heavily discounted.

The landlord leaves and now Girlfriend and I can have a proper look around.

On Girlfriend’s nightstand next to the bed, instead of something useful like a charger or a phone for a badger, there is:

• a heart-shaped bowl full of shells
• a star-shaped candle holder with a candle
• a lamp, which on closer inspection is actually a bottle filled with shells and with a lamp cover on top

My side is better but not my much. I have:

• a soft purple heart in a heart-shaped bowl
• a battery-powered lamp, which of course is heart-shaped

Next to the bed is the word RELAX in little wooden letters. It's good they're there because I assumed bedrooms were for having panic attacks.

****

Cooking dinner is a bloody nightmare. I don’t know where anything is. I open what looks like a cupboard only to find it’s the freezer. I open another cupboard and it's is the world's smallest dishwasher.

I open a drawer and there are glasses and plates in there. What kind of lunatic puts glasses in a drawer? They go in a cupboard, not a drawer.

Even worse, due to my steady decline into old age, once I’ve learned where something is, I forget it again a moment later. This results in behaviour like this:

• Angrily mutter “Where are the knives and forks?”
• Open all the drawers and cupboards
• "Oh, here they are"
• Close all the drawers and cupboards
• "Now where were the forks again?
• Open all the drawers and cupboards again.

*****

It’s time to go to bed. I’ve been looking forward to this moment all day. My head falls down onto the pillow, goes straight through the pillow and hits the bed on the other side. I pick the pillow up. It feels thin, hard and lumpy. It's the kind of pillow you get for $5. Fuck sake. Next time I go on holiday, I'm bringing my own pillow.

At least the pillow isn't heart-shaped.