The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

This year, for the first time in my adult life, I dressed up in a costume for Halloween. I’m 27, and the reason this has never happened before is I have no friends and I never get invited to Halloween parties.

Well, my sad sack of shit life certainly took a turn for the better this Halloween! I dressed up not once, not thrice, but twice! The first event was a zombie walk (or should that be zombie shamble?), where 10,000 undead walked around in a loop, like that Romero film, Mass Protest of the Living Dead. I put zero effort into my outfit, which for some reason included a black wig and an ushanka. Yes, a ushanka. Not sure what an ushanka is? Me neither.

But what I lacked in appearance I made up for in ACTING. Yes boys and girls, I was the world’s best actor for twenty whole minutes of shuffling and stumbling. Such was my dedication that I stayed in character even when my hat fell off, and especially when the police were telling me to hurry the fuck up because I was lagging behind the other zombies. In fact, I had so much fun that I combed through YouTube videos afterwards so I could stick all the clips of me together:

[embed]

[/embed]

As if that wasn’t enough horror-themed fun, I then went to a screening of the Rocky Horror Picture Show dressed as a mummy. A word of advice for all the mummy-wannabes out there: don’t rely solely on sellotape to hold a mummy costume together. This is because after ten minutes, my costume fell off, and for the rest of the evening I was just a sad man with toilet roll stuck to his chest. In fact, my costume was so bad that I was even refused entry to the costume contest, even though I would have lost anyway as I’m pretty sure that traditionally mummies don’t wear jeans and trainers. Screw them all, I say; I thought my costume was awesome. I was enthralled by the fact that every time scraps of toilet paper fell off, I broke littering laws. The only part that stayed on was my head, which I believe actually looked quite frightening.

Next Halloween I’ll throw my own party, and I’ll only invite people I like. Which means it’ll just be me standing in a room by myself.